dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
