Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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