I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
