You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
