fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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