hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
