dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
