i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
