my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
