I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
It's just like the Real World with babies
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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