Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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