Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
