Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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