Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?

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(970): View more from Colorado

Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty

Fav 9 4359 1265
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head

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(441): View more from Bermuda-Carib

You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.

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(913): View more from Kansas

She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?

Fav 13 1622 829
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(248): View more from Michigan

I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"

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(516): View more from New York

This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess

Fav 2 284 178
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(847): View more from Illinois

saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.

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