My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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