Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
