At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
