Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
