i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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