She said her name was "party"
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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