Taylor Swift is so right about you.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She told me I should be a condom model.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
