just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
