i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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