I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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