god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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