You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
