girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize