Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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