Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize