Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize