I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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