Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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