i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I look better un-naked...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
