Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
His hands were made for my vagina.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
