I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
