Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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