As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
