Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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