I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
