I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
We got so high we made milksteak
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
