you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
COCAINE IS GR8
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
