You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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