So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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