The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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