how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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