"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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