anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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