Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I stole a fireplace last night.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
