Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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