just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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