he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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