True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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