God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
