He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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