one two three fourrrrnication!
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
