Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
