So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
