He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
