I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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