After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
