I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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