If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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