If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize