you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
