Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
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