My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
