The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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