i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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