Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Randomize
