She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
