why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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