She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
